How to Forgive People? Part Two

On Your Mark, Get Set…Go!

How to forgive people? How often in our experience when we’ve been mistreated, do we just wish that person would at least acknowledge our pain and simply take ownership and say, “I’m sorry” in order to make restitution for what has been done?

When our feelings get trampled on and those healing words dismissed, what can we do to stop fixating over what has happened? What can I do to move on making this process of discomfort manageable to deal with without it continuously replaying the incident over and over in my mind?

Thankfully, there is something you and I can do. For every problem there is a principle or promise in the Bible to set us free. Let me first be blunt and say that forgiveness is much more about us than the other person.  It gives us a way to escape from that dark cesspool of toxic memories that lie in wait for the next trigger. Let’s talk about how we are to deal with disagreements when they occur among believers.

Instruction on Disagreements with Church Members

Matthew 18:15-17

Moreover, if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglects to hear the church, let him be unto thee as a heathen man and a publican.

First, God is in the business of restoration. He shed His innocent blood on the cross that we might be saved not in our sins -but from our sins. The first step in this process is to go privately to the person who has wronged you and tell the person plainly (yet lovingly), what was done to hurt you. If the individual chooses not to listen by denying or continue their behavior, we just don’t cut them off and say, ‘see I told you so’. We have another step to take. The offended person is to return with one or two neutral believers as witnesses to whatever was discussed. Finally, if the person refuses to listen, the issue should be taken to the church. If the accused never repents, he/she should be treated as pagan or tax collector.

Ok, what does it mean to treat them as a pagan or tax collector? Well, it doesn’t mean kick them to the curb. What it means is to continue to pray for the fallen. Treat that person (yes, that one) as an unbeliever who needs the Lord. God set up these guidelines so we can restore or relationships when disagreements arise.

John 16:33

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

On Your Mark… Get Set… (Lists)

Next, If we truly want to be set free and learn how to forgive people, we must make a list of those who have hurt us in some way in life whether they are dead or alive. Instead of ignoring feelings, we must process them, acknowledge them and get them on paper.

Here are some lists that have helped me on my forgiveness journey.

Now Make two lists. Compose the first list of those who have hurt us, or those we think have hurt us. This includes a boyfriend, or girlfriend, finance’, lover, spouse, ex -spouse, parents, spouse, neighbor, Bff, relative, co-worker, stranger, world, church, pastor, life, powers that be, God and so forth. Be completely open and honest. If you know what the underlying trigger is describe it next to the person’s name then name your feeling associated with it. Ex: Dad-absent; Mom-temperamental.

The second list is made up of those we have hurt. Now, the playing field is level. You must also acknowledge that you have hurt people too.

Romans 3:10

As it is written, there is none righteous, no, not one.

Romans 3:23

For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.

Be sure to put yourself at the top of this list. Your mistakes, health, shortcomings, regrets, fears, misgivings, compulsions, and addictions. We all have the tendency of running ourselves down. Self-care is often neglected when we sacrificially give to others and often we feel victimized because we’ve overstretched by running ourselves ragged. We’ve allowed people to walk over us, said yes when we really wanted to say no or visa-verse, or simply not standing up for ourselves.

Go…

Finally, after writing the list, ask God to show you what’s next. He will finish teaching you how to forgive people. Trust His leading, as well as your intuition. Is there some unfinished business you need to settle with another as we discussed earlier in Matthew 18? Our goal is to be at peace with God, ourselves, and as far as possible with others. Writing helps to get it all out.  It prevents that terrible buildup of anxiety to continue to simmer within us. It allows us to feel what has been done to us, appropriately express it, and release by turning the matter over to God.

Keep your wants, your joys, your sorrows, your cares, and your fears before God. You cannot burden Him; you cannot weary Him. He who numbers the hairs of your head is not indifferent to the wants of His children.  

James 5:11

… The Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy.

His heart of love is touched by our sorrows and even by our utterances of them. Take to Him everything that perplexes the mind. Nothing is too great for Him to bear, for He holds up worlds, He rules over all the affairs of the universe. Nothing that in any way concerns our peace is too small for Him to notice. There is no chapter in our experience too dark for Him to read; there is no perplexity too difficult for Him to unravel. No calamity can befall the least of His children, no anxiety harass the soul, no joy cheer, no sincere prayer escape the lips, of which our heavenly Father is unobservant, or in which He takes no immediate interest. “He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3. The relations between God and each soul are as distinct and full as though there were not another soul upon the earth to share His watch care, not another soul for whom He gave His beloved Son. {SC 100.1} (Ellen White, Steps to Christ, page 100, paragraph 1)

Thus as we work our list, we surrender each fresh or old emotional wound to God. After being truly honest about hurts done to us as well as the ones done to others, we become ready to drop our protective shield and ask Him to heal and restore us.  God can only heal what we reveal.

John 8:36

If the son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.

Our lists help us come to a point that we no longer need or use religion, control, relationship, busyness, money, drugs, exercise, people to suppress our pain. The lists help us face it, express it, and release it. We are ready to let go of things we’ve done, and things others have done to us. We simply forgive so we can heal from whatever it is.

Finally, when we’ve said what we had to say, it’s time to shred, burn, or trash the lists. It’s symbolic of acknowledging our anger, releasing our emotions, and being healed from painful circumstances. We can’t change the past, but we can be transformed by it.

In certain situations, the relationship with the person may be different but at least you have decided to live as best as possible at peace with all men. Some situations aren’t wise to return to such as abuse of any sort, but you can part with the notion that forgiveness is something that you needed to do for yourself so that the bitterness would no longer control you. You have decided to cancel the debt so that you can move on with your life. We can never repay God enough for the pain it caused His Son. Therefore, lists allow us to write it, get it all out so we can be restored. Lists help us move on with our lives, so are you ready…. then go!

Prayer

My Lord and My Friend,

You know what it’s like to hurt, be rejected, and feel alone. You even know what it feels like to be all tangled up inside from mistreatment from others. Unfortunately, those who are the closest have hurt us the most. Help me to forgive everyone that has misused, manipulated, used, deceived, belittled, ignored, taken advantage of, abused, and cheated me.

I ask that you empty me of this cesspool of toxic pain I’ve been carrying around and fill me with your fountain of joy and gladness. I heard that Your fountain never runs dry. When I feel resentment or anger towards those who have hurt me, I ask that You help me reach a point that it doesn’t sting anymore. I ask that you bless those who I feel ill towards and that you bless me too. Give me a willing heart to forgive. Here’s my list…

I also ask for forgiveness from those who I’ve inflicted pain on starting with myself. Forgive me for the times when I’ve allowed others to define my value or when I’ve ignored the urge within to stand up for myself because of my own emotional baggage from my past. Remove the heaviness and darkness from my heart.

Forgive me from hurting others. Forgive me for my inconsistencies in my own Christian walk. Specifically, when my words were used to wound instead of inspiring and giving comfort. The times when I felt it was easier to be irritable and impatient than tolerant and understanding.

Thank you, Lord, that you hold the power to make all things new. Thank you for restoring and healing my soul. Make me a scented candle of Your love, diffusing your sweet-smelling fragrance everywhere I go.

Malachi 4:2

But unto you that fear my name shall the Sun of righteousness arise with healing in his wings; and ye shall go forth and grow up as calves of the stall.

In Jesus’ name I pray,

Amen

Click here for Part One: How to Forgive People? Part One.

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